Success on a Sunday afternoon....

I often find myself very disappointed in my achievements to date... I have achieved very little so far in my life and am at risk of achieving nothing with what God has given me. Merely a small time hedonist... that is all I am... adding nothing and taking what I can. And hence my Sunday blues....

What is the point of continuing this style of life? And so it comes back to what I want... well I guess I want to learn how to be happy with who I am... And that, after all, was meant to be the purpose of this "journey"...

Well I know more than ever what a loser I can be.. How I continue to fail due to my own action and/or inaction. But then again what could I do to succeed, and in reality is there such a thing as success anyway?

I search always for those brief moments of happiness and enlightenment, they seem so rare and when not with me it is as if they never existed. Is this the meaning, to search for this? But are these things sustainable anyway? What makes these things good is their rarity, just like anything in this world. Only in scarcity is their value. And thus is the irony of the world we have created for ourselves. The very system we have made limits our happiness, our satisfaction, and it mediates itself to ensure we cannot have more for a sustained period. Linked to this is relativism, which is surely the curse of the rational (or more likely the irrational) mind. We can never have what we want because we are chasing a rainbow... We move towards it and it moves away from us at the same speed as our pursuit. So are we doomed to our predisposed ability to achieve anything? As after all an achievement is not really a thing in itself, rather how the given achievement makes us feel. And surely as a result of relativism this feeling is locked in place... and thus my fears of pointlessness arise....

Is this why we believe in God? Only within a "higher power" do we see the ability to break out of this fixed reality of relative value, only then can we find sustainable happiness? => This is my goal after all.

So why did I run from my faith? I guess because I saw it as a lie. People claim to seek faith on selfless grounds but this can hardly be the case. They seek God as a source of happiness and of comfort for themselves. So it was the falsehoods of worship that pushed me away. But unfortunately without God life has no meaning, whether or not God/Religion is lies or truth. So that is my dilemma; To attempt to construct meaning in my life without the God, from whom, I have run. Maybe this is why my Sundays are cursed... a reminder from God that I have ignored him... or even worse, have persecuted him!

So do I return? Do I devote these wasted days once again to God...admit to myself that I need God for meaning and then take my life forward from there? Maybe success in God will break my bondage of laziness and other successes will become possible. Maybe then I can have a vision for myself, for my life and not be afraid to make a go of it... as with God in your life there is no failure....

And thus is there any value in debating the existence of God? Maybe it is the case than man creates God by faith... we create aspirations higher than ourselves to help promote the growth of the divine in our lives. After all we are not that far from animals. And we see how we are still animals all the time. Whether it be the "meat market" culture of the pick up joint on a Friday night or sectarian violence in central Iraq shown on BBC World. We are but inches away from savagery... all of us....Hence we have created something distinctly above all this chaos... God. By following that divine path we save ourselves through God. Transcend the brutality of mankind and aim for something which is right and true... divinity. The fact that there is a common string of what divinity is amongst faiths/creeds etc the world over proves that there is a God... that we are all, as humans, linked to God and that only through God can truth, meaning and happiness ever be found [well it's an idea anyway]